Bad Day.

Today was bad.

When it is this bad, I get a strange temptation to post on social media that I am miserable and see if anyone bites.

I know this temptation is pointless.

The sad fact is most people don’t care, they have their own battles and burdens to shoulder and they don’t like getting forced into a corner of let’s all feel sorry for Rachael.

It would be like standing up in a room full of mostly strangers and saying, “I’m sad, give me a hug.”

Not too many people going to feel comfortable with that one.

Do they hug you just so they do not look like a jerk, ignore you and refuse to make eye-contact, or do they resent you for being so needy?

None of the options are very appealing ones.

Now ,if I had made some good friends ,then I could go to them, but I have isolated myself for many years and I don’t have many I can turn to.

This is not said to gain sympathy, it is merely a fact.

So, needless to say, I am not going to announce anytime soon on Facebook or Twitter that I am depressed, my intellect will win over my emotions.

I will however write about it here on my blog, it helps me think things out, I have convinced myself this is different from seeking sympathy and I truly believe it is, but maybe I am fooling myself.

So, whatever the point of this post was, here it is.

Cold Kiss.

I can not tell why you no longer love me

You say you do, but it’s not true

I say it back, but still I feel blue.

And these feelings, they are nothing new.

A mistake has been made, but we still hang on.

We keep pretending that our love’s not gone.

We go through the motions of a happy life.

Loving husband, devoted wife.

 

I feel so empty deep inside

This great loneliness I always have to hide

You will not admit our love has died

You’re still reaching for what might have survived.

In the same room-a million miles away

After, all these years you’d think we have something to say

I see the board expression there on your face

I view the whole scenario as a hopeless case.

 

There is no longer any sparkle in your eyes

There is no mask to hide that lie

There is no hunger in your desire

No passion-No romantic fire

Same old, same old everyday

Actors in some sad drawn out play

The curtain has already been torn down

But, we, like mutes, silently hang around.

How long can one repress?

Such longing in one’s own breast?

Knowing there is something better than all this.

Always settling for such a cold, cold kiss.

The door..

I can’t go in…

But there is no danger.

My palms are sweating and I cannot breath.

Yet there is no danger.

I can feel my heart it is thumping out of my chest.

Still, there is no danger.

Stupid, irrational fears that plague my soul!

Still I can’t go in…

You cannot talk me out of it.

You cannot convince me to move.

I can feel your anger toward me…

But, there is nothing I can do.

I hear you speaking like you are far away…

Although you are standing quite near.

Accusing me of seeking attention.

But, attention is what I fear.

Just go through the door!

I can’t go in…

But there is no danger!

Yes, I know and yet, I can’t go in.

Fear’s Hiding Place.

In shadows I wait, frozen to the wall, watching..

Always, watching.

From the shadows I spring into the sun patch for moment..

Only for a moment.

What is it that I fear?

What makes me tremble so?

I see out stretched hands waiting…

Waiting for me to grasp them…

Waiting to pull me from the shadows.

I want so bad to grasp those hands.

I want so much to break free.

But, the dark places I return to..

They are all I know.

Purging.

I haven’t written on this blog for quite a while.

It is not that I haven’t been depressed, because I have.

It has not been because I have been super busy with school, although that has been the case. I still managed to post on the funny blog.

I am hoping it is because the need to write about the depression has changed a little to more action and less purging. Once you have purged, it is not wise, always, to return, as the bible says..”to one’s own vomit.”

The writing has helped, so don’t get me wrong, I regret nothing I have posted here, expect maybe the tirade against word press’ suspension of my funny blog, which is back up and running. That was probably not necessary.

I may start posting more poetry here, it seems to fit the blogs theme and I don’t mean to say, I will never again pick up the pen, so to speak, and write about my struggles with depression. Saying “never” I have found out can come back and bite you in tender places, so I won’t say never.

So, there may be less purging on the blog and who knows, some day in the future, I will be well enough to report more success stories than struggles.

Taking Things too Personally and Kite Flying.

I feel a lot like Charlie Brown, I throw my kite into the air only to see it tumble back to the earth.

I have studied the kite, I have read the literature on how to be a successful kite flier, but no matter how many times,it seems, that I throw that stupid kite into the air it comes crashing down.

Why do I take things like low blog stats, failing to win a competition, or unrecognized work so personally?

I think the key is in the ‘person’ part of the ‘personal’, that person being me.

It has nothing to do with the contest, the people who stop coming to my blog, or the fact that I haven’t received much in the area of recognition.

It does have a whole lot to do with me. I want it so badly.

I have lived most of my life not wanting anything, I just kind of drifted.

I had some dreams and some wishes, but those are not goals.

Now that I do want it so badly, have made goals, and set up steps for reaching those goals, it hurts all that much more to see those dreams come crashing back to the ground.

I have a couple of choices when this happens: A.I throw the kite away and give up trying. B. I, pick that kite up, dust it off, and try again.

I’m going with option B. How about you?