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Heart of glass mistaken for stone
You’ll never know how much it hurt
Rejected, abandoned, left with scares
I kept it all inside

The years have been too much
The journey full of tears
Heartaches, neglect, abuse
I survived; that’s all

Warrior for others rights
I cannot seem to defend my own
Bleeding inward most days
I hide it all from view

Silence mistaken for strength
The tears no longer come
A hole left where a soul use to be
I am numb that’s all

Walk Away

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If I walked away

Would it really matter?

Things would go on as always

Any loss felt would be short lived

I grow tired of the game

The inconsistency of you

And so, now I shall bow out

And bid you a last adieu

No reason for your absence

You choose to stay away

Only returning at your leisure

I no longer wish to wait

I only pause a moment

And think of all that’s been

I stop to gather courage

And, then silently walk away

 

 

Letter to the Toxic People in my Life

 

I am sorry.

Sorry, I let you bully me.

Sorry, I never told you how much I hated it.

Sorry, I never stood up for myself before.

Sorry, I made you feel like you had some power over me.

Sorry, I just went along so you’d be civil for a few days.

Sorry, I let you think that you could keep bullying me indefinitely.

I am not sorry I am going to cut you out of my life.

I am not sorry that I now have peace because of it.

I am not sorry that I feel better about myself then I have for a long time.

I am not sorry I found my voice at last.

I am not sorry I regained my dignity and self-worth.

I cannot persuade others to do the same; each of us must decide when we have had enough.

When keeping the peace is not worth the cost of suppressing ourselves one day longer.

And really is it peaceful to always be anxious about being contact by you? Dreading the next meeting? Trying to connive ways to avoid you?

So, I am sorry that I cannot think of a reason to keep you in my life.

I am sorry you cannot see why.

But, I will demand and expect respect from those I let get close to me.

So, I am sorry that can’t be you.

Misstep

LISBON, PORTUGAL - MARCH 10, 2014: Photo of WordPress.com homepage on a monitor screen through a magnifying glass. - stock photo

I have been running out of blog ideas so I signed up for daily prompts from WordPress.

I am a free spirit and cannot see myself doing this every day.

From time to time I will use the daily prompt to get over these slumps of writer’s block.

Today’s prompt was misstep.

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All my life

Even though I am old

Has seemed like a dress rehearsal

I sit in the shadows and watch

Other people live out their dreams

I politely clap and cheer them on

Then I retire once again

Feeling more alone than before

What is the key to being happy?

I never found it, I guess

When I look back I see me as one

Who always sidestep responsibility

For her own life

Depending on others way too much

I wish I could recall that first misstep

That snowballed into passiveness

Acceptance of a mediocre life

And goes against my passionate nature

 

I hate to leave this on such a bummer note. I know that I am changing and can change. I do still struggle with self image and depression. But, every single day I get up and try again. I know there is hope for all of us who suffer with depression.

 

 

My Friend the Poet

It is but a dream
Gentle poet
What the world calls real
For the soul knows
That beauty is ageless
That there is no time
There are only words

It is too real
Gentle poet
Among those who forgot
The music in their souls
Who drowned it out
And refuse to hear
The laughter or the tears

Just a dream
Sweet, gentle, poet
To sooth ourselves
When weary
Chasing dragons
Fighting demons
Loosing sleep

Reality invades
Sweet, gentle, poet
And sets the tune off-key
Distorts the dream
Until the soul
Picks up the instrument
And plays the tune again

New Outlook

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I am starting a whole new outlook on life.
I don’t consider it a New Years resolution at all.
I consider it the making of a better me.
This is something I need to do all the year long.
It is harder when you have depression.
Depression likes to lie to you and send self-defeating messages.
Messages that say things like
You’ll never be able to do it
You are not worth doing it
It reminds you of all your past failures
This never works for you, you are pathetic
You always have been and will always be a loser
I have discovered that these thoughts can be cut off at the pass.
I have also discovered there is a point of no return.
What I mean by a point of no return is that once I get to a certain place in my brooding, the depression takes over and I can’t win.
I use to try and fight it after the point was crossed, but I was really fueling it not fighting it.
Once in the depressed state the only weapon you have is guilt and guilt motivated nobody at anytime to make any permanent changes.
I can avoid the brooding if I, like the old timers advice, ‘nip it in the bud.’


When the first thought comes, whether it be panic or just a negative thought about myself, if I am not lazy, I can tell depression that you are lying to me again and I won’t go down that path with you.
I don’t gloss over my mistakes, I acknowledge them, but if they are in the past, then I realize I must leave them there.

If in the present I must think about what I can do to solve those problems.
The concept is self-talk and it does work.
It may sound egotistical, but we really do believe what we tell ourselves a lot more than what others are telling us.
Confident people just accept compliments and reject negatives so they may not understand the concept I am talking about.
Someone cruel says your ugly, you just realize they are full of BS and move on. Never thinking much about it again, because you know that you are a good person, and therefore, not ugly at all.
You tell yourself the truth; only ugly people call other people ugly.

The depressed person is ready to believe any negative heaped on to them and thinks the worst about themselves anyway, so they are already set-up to adopt this.
They tell themselves not once, but many times things like, I am so ugly, if only I could lose weight, be as pretty as her, and so forth and so on.


But, if you can deflect those thoughts as they come in, you may ‘nip it in the bud’
When you hear the depression call your name and say “Rachael, you’ll never be good enough” you can ask yourself, “Good enough for whom?” And tell yourself “I don’t need to impress anyone else.”
This is not a one time deal though, our brains have been programmed by the negative thoughts we allowed to define us so, I won’t lie it is a battle.
If I miss the point of no return I just go with it. I cry if I want to and I try to cope the best I can.
Why? Because fighting it at this point only heaps up more guilt and makes it harder the next time when I am prepared to battle it out.
You can’t take a life time of thought and erase it in one day.
But, you can learn to reprogram those thoughts in time.