My Friend the Poet

It is but a dream
Gentle poet
What the world calls real
For the soul knows
That beauty is ageless
That there is no time
There are only words

It is too real
Gentle poet
Among those who forgot
The music in their souls
Who drowned it out
And refuse to hear
The laughter or the tears

Just a dream
Sweet, gentle, poet
To sooth ourselves
When weary
Chasing dragons
Fighting demons
Loosing sleep

Reality invades
Sweet, gentle, poet
And sets the tune off-key
Distorts the dream
Until the soul
Picks up the instrument
And plays the tune again

New Outlook

Beautiful woman face silhouette — Stock Vector © prezent #2547830

I am starting a whole new outlook on life.
I don’t consider it a New Years resolution at all.
I consider it the making of a better me.
This is something I need to do all the year long.
It is harder when you have depression.
Depression likes to lie to you and send self-defeating messages.
Messages that say things like
You’ll never be able to do it
You are not worth doing it
It reminds you of all your past failures
This never works for you, you are pathetic
You always have been and will always be a loser
I have discovered that these thoughts can be cut off at the pass.
I have also discovered there is a point of no return.
What I mean by a point of no return is that once I get to a certain place in my brooding, the depression takes over and I can’t win.
I use to try and fight it after the point was crossed, but I was really fueling it not fighting it.
Once in the depressed state the only weapon you have is guilt and guilt motivated nobody at anytime to make any permanent changes.
I can avoid the brooding if I, like the old timers advice, ‘nip it in the bud.’


When the first thought comes, whether it be panic or just a negative thought about myself, if I am not lazy, I can tell depression that you are lying to me again and I won’t go down that path with you.
I don’t gloss over my mistakes, I acknowledge them, but if they are in the past, then I realize I must leave them there.

If in the present I must think about what I can do to solve those problems.
The concept is self-talk and it does work.
It may sound egotistical, but we really do believe what we tell ourselves a lot more than what others are telling us.
Confident people just accept compliments and reject negatives so they may not understand the concept I am talking about.
Someone cruel says your ugly, you just realize they are full of BS and move on. Never thinking much about it again, because you know that you are a good person, and therefore, not ugly at all.
You tell yourself the truth; only ugly people call other people ugly.

The depressed person is ready to believe any negative heaped on to them and thinks the worst about themselves anyway, so they are already set-up to adopt this.
They tell themselves not once, but many times things like, I am so ugly, if only I could lose weight, be as pretty as her, and so forth and so on.


But, if you can deflect those thoughts as they come in, you may ‘nip it in the bud’
When you hear the depression call your name and say “Rachael, you’ll never be good enough” you can ask yourself, “Good enough for whom?” And tell yourself “I don’t need to impress anyone else.”
This is not a one time deal though, our brains have been programmed by the negative thoughts we allowed to define us so, I won’t lie it is a battle.
If I miss the point of no return I just go with it. I cry if I want to and I try to cope the best I can.
Why? Because fighting it at this point only heaps up more guilt and makes it harder the next time when I am prepared to battle it out.
You can’t take a life time of thought and erase it in one day.
But, you can learn to reprogram those thoughts in time.

Christmas Sadness

 

It is Christmas Morning and a lot of times you see people posting about holiday blues, wishing they had done more during the year, and other guilt inducing reflections.
Why all this sadness?
The thing is we expect, at times, too much.
The happiness of getting ready for Christmas is often more joyous than the day itself.
Once the presents are unwrapped and the dinner consumed it is over.
We look back and wonder why it seemed so disappointing?
Just what were we expecting?
Perhaps, it is, to feel happier today then ordinary days?
To our utter amazement it goes on like most days only there are lights, gifts, a big dinner, and music we never listen to except this time of year.
But, unless we are happy in the little things, the big things usually disappoint us.
I want to be grateful for every day I have on this planet.
Being a depressant this is not easy.
I am not saying that Christmas is not special or holy or whatever happy sign we place on it.
We need our special days, this break from the ordinary, but I think unless we cherish the ordinary along with the special days it is very easy for Christmas to fall short in our eyes.
You cannot squeeze all the happiness into one day, it will always fall flat.

I leave you with words of John Lennon:

“So a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year let’s hope it’s a good one without any tears.”

I Dislike Gossip

sad
Some people believe gossip is harmless, that is, until it is aimed at them.
When I was a teenager I gossiped about another girl close to me; she heard me.
The hurt, pain, and disbelief on her face, stayed with me.
Although, I admit I fail at times, I vowed never to gossip like that again.
If you can’t say it to them it is useless to say it to others.
Nothing positive comes from gossip.
There is no change in the persons life and no growth on the part of the person who has gossiped.
Like I have said, I have not always kept that vow, but I try very hard and when I fail I see the face of that young girl again.
The face still haunts me.

Revisiting Daily Writing

I was rereading through some of these posts and I am wondering if it would be beneficial to me to go back to writing out my pain at least every other day if not every day?

I have always hesitated to do a daily blog, because to be frank they bore the hell out of me, mostly. Many are written more like a list of what the person did or their kids did that day.

Perhaps, pain is not what I mean more like emotions, as in, writing out the emotions every day, getting a sense, once again, of who I am and why I am feeling the way I do. Writing is the only way I know how to do that.

I have neglected my writing for some time, covering up much of my sadness by laughing and making jokes. I have spent my time on social media instead of writing.

I have done what I do a lot, run from the feelings, until they overwhelm me and I embrace them like a cruel lover, one from whom I cannot seem to leave off altogether, but that I know is not good for me.

I never seem quite able to break the shackles that bind me to a wall of despair and the sad thing is I voluntarily place myself into those shackles at times.

So, for now, I think I will write everyday, not necessarily publish every day.

What I am Really Thinking

Did you ever have a certain person in your life you wish you could say what you were really thinking to?

I mean like when they ask something like, “Rachael, just why are you so uptight now-a-days”?

I could answer: “Because, I got sick of your bullshit that is why.

I got sick of you trying to bully me and make me feel small.

I got tried of your lies and you spinning every single thing around in a bad attempt to make yourself look good.

I got sick of you thinking that your problems are so much greater than anyone else and nobody in the whole universe could be as misunderstood as you are.”

But, this is not the best way, because they would never see themselves the way we are seeing them.

They are too busy justifying themselves and people who do that have very little insight.

The best we can do is to avoid such persons and keep them out of our lives as much as is possible.

That is what I have done and it is so much more peaceful now.