For many years I shoved my demons aside, just pretended that they didn’t exist.
Who would care anyway?
That was my mind-set.
I had good reasons to believe in that mind-set.
My mother always encouraged us not to talk about “what went on in this house.”
As an adult, I have wonder, was the school breathing down her neck?
Did our social worker suspect anything?
Why would you say this to your child?
My mother’s abuse was mostly verbally and she had away with words.
She probably could have been a writer, she was talented that way.
My dad could be physical abusive, but it was rare.
He did beat me once or twice with a belt.
Everyone said I had it coming; I was a smart ass even then.
I guess, I agreed –I had it coming.
I also agreed that I was stupid; my mother when frustrated would always ask me the same question, “Why are you so stupid?”
I didn’t know-but I always believed her.
Our house was one chaotic mess-not in a good way.
The fights between my parents were brutal.
But, all that was nothing compared to the sexual abuse I was forced to endure from ages 8-11 by a family member.
I went from a happy out-going child to a reclusive scared child-didn’t anyone notice?
The worst blow came as an adult, when the family member who molested me was found out.
Did anyone comfort me?
Did they tell me this wasn’t my fault?
Was anyone angry someone did this to me?
Only one person comes to mind; the rest told me I needed to forgive him.
The rest protected and felt sorry for him.
That hurt like hell-still does.
Growing up, I never told a soul, just pushed it aside and did the best I could.
But, things like that have a way of surfacing in ways you do not even understand at times.
I think I picked my Ex because he seemed safe.
His no emotional outburst seeme comforting at the time.
But, his inability to show emotions left me depressed.
The demons manifested themselves in me in being helpless and clingy with him.
I was looking for him to “save” me from myself and only God can do that.
After many years of trying to save a marriage that was unsavable, I realized, after leaving it, that he was a manipulative liar who was okay with me thinking I was crazy as long as he did not have to face any consequences for his own behavior.
I was a total control freak with the kids –no one was going to hurt them ever!
Another demon popping its head up and another one I just ignored.
No one could tell me I was not doing right –I would not listen.
I had to keep everyone “safe” that was my mission.
Somewhere down the road I lost my self in all that hiding and ignoring of demons.
And I have hurt the very ones I tried so very hard to protect.
It is hard to make amends for those things, but I have worked on doing so. I have been forgiven and that is in a word is humbling.
I try hard to face what I am, now a days, it isn’t easy and it is not always pretty, but what else can one do?
I have to fight my demons or they’ll win and I am tired of them winning!